Do you know that feeling after finishing a good book or a series? That sense of feeling lost and not knowing what to do?

Well, that feeling times two is how I feel right now. It’s melancholy and a kind of yearning for the past- that kind of longing to be able to enjoy those beautiful moments in the past again.

I recently just finished Jenny Han’s Always and Forever, Lara Jean. I spent two evenings devouring it. It was fucking beautiful. Before you start reading this, a little disclaimer: there will be spoilers.

My initial thoughts upon reading the book was that “oh crap, I won’t feel the same way as I felt in the first book, a feeling that accompanies being an in-love seventeen year old”. I’m nineteen now, and already nearly finished a semester in university, and in the novel, they are both only in their senior years of high school. Mind you, when I first read the series, I was seventeen- I was the same age as them and I was very much into contemporary YA romance.

I really thought I’d outgrown them- that I wouldn’t know how it feels like to be a teenager, to be a high schooler, to be in love. I thought I kind of felt like Margot, Lara Jean’s older sister, kind of out of place, even though when all I should feel is familiarity when I’m home. Does that make sense?

Maybe not. Some background and recap: Margot decided that she would leave her hometown for a college in Scotland. That was when Lara Jean’s adventures began (in the first book). A year later, in the third book, Margot comes back home for the holiday and she realises that while she was away, the world hadn’t stopped spinning. The dynamics in their house- her home- has changed… without her.

But as I turned each page, savoured every words… I didn’t feel like Margot, I didn’t feel out of place or out of the loop. Each and every word Jenny Han wrote onto the page, they resonated with me.

I haven’t fallen in love. But her words familiarise me with the feelings. “You fall in love, and nothing seems truly scary anymore, and life is one big possibility.” When Lara Jean says these words, they are in the rooftop of a New York skyscraper, overlooking the city. And I see it. I see how love makes you unafraid of things, and that allows you to give all the possibilities in life a chance. I see myself, a small figure, standing in that rooftop, looking over that large city and thinking that I could take on that city- and maybe even the world- all because of love. I’ve never fallen in love… Well, not yet anyways.

But that’s not the part that hits me. It’s when Lara Jean feels that sense of anxiety about change, about closing a chapter in her life: high school. It made me feel really nostalgic, and joy, and warmth, and sadness. “But it feels like everything all around me is shifting in ways I didn’t expect, when all I want is for things to stand still.”

While reading that, I couldn’t help but bring to mind a memory of free period with the randomest people, some of them were my friends, some of them just peers who I see around, some of them classmates I’ve never once talked to in my life. But there we were, in free period, bonding over our hatred of BOSTES or the English syllabus, laughing at memes, talking about TV shows… People got closer and people drifted apart.

There was a dent in my relationship with a close friend, but I also threaded a neater relationship with acquaintances who became friends. By formal night, I realised that some friends were not meant to be kept forever and they must stay as nothing more than memories. Sad, right?

Things changed a lot, and a little too quickly, that last year of high school. And little did I, nor my cohort, have any idea just how much change in that little time would happen. It was happening all too fast, and I knew time was ticking, days would pass and the timer would hit stop- STOP for we would not hang out anymore. And sometimes I wanted to hit pause, because I couldn’t imagine not being in the same room as these people, let alone be in different campuses. At the same time, I was excited to be finally finished with high school. It was the allure of finally being in University, adventures!!! And I couldn’t wait for graduation, because there were things I was looking forward to after graduation- sleeping in, no homework, and of course, Umina beach with my friends...

I agree that “The end of school always has a particular feeling to it. It’s the same every year, but this year the feeling is amplified, because there won’t be a next year. There’s an air of things closing down.” To not be expected to come back to school in the next term, unlike the junior years, was such a weird feeling. Weren’t we just Year 7s yesterday, little scrawny kids that were thrown off by how big the school is, who got lost and have to ask in their little voices where the Food Tech rooms were? Year 7s, who after summer break would come back as Year 8, then Year 9. No we weren’t. And we weren’t the same people as we were then.

“Suddenly, life feels fast and slow at the same time.” It was like a timelapse in my head, Biology class with Cynthia, Zaheda, Laurena, Adam, and Adrian, and Neil! When our Biology teacher would wave off Cynthia being late to class! And we’d share food around. In Software, we’d play halo and Rami’s all smug about winning. The boys would give me shit for dropping the subject. Then there’s Extension English class, not our Year 12 class, but the Year 11 one, when Rami would always argue with our teacher and all the girls about feminism and whatnot. Oh, and Business class! As much as it annoyed me, I miss it- being teased about some guy in my class, which escalated outside of that class, until everyone else were teasing me. English class, where all the discussions were all so intelligent- I loved that. And staying up late doing assessments, writing my major work for Extension English 2, reading books for pleasure, chatting with my friends. And all the times we were acting like kids when we were really the seniors in our school- playing hide and seek, water fights, running around the courtyards, being as loud as we were because we were kings. How did I ever think that the HSC was a slow, painful torture, when it happened by so fast?

When Lara Jean didn’t get into the college that she wanted, my heart broke for her. I know that feeling of hoping of getting something that you’ve wanted so badly and feeling like you’ve almost got it, but not getting it anyway. What a cruel trick, Universe.

Apart from the nostalgia, I really enjoyed how Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship have progressed since the first book. They really grew together, and I hope they grow old together. 

Jenny Han really modelled the kind of romantic relationship that I want. “I could never be with someone who didn’t understand how important my family is to me.” If somebody asked me what kind of personality I’m looking for in a guy, the list always includes “understanding”. The guy has to be understanding and patient with me. He has to understand that my first priority is my family. Even if it annoys him, or me, in a time of crisis, if my family ever asks for my help, then I’ll be there for them.

I loved seeing Peter and Kitty interact once more. I loved their antics in the earlier novels and Han didn’t disappoint in bringing that back. And how Peter tries to impress Lara Jean's family... Peter’s sweetness, his loyalty, his charm, his flaws. It made me sad. Because I may never be able to find a guy like Peter K. I know he’s fictional, and that makes me even sadder, knowing he could never be real. He’s only a character that embodies all my ideals. And I’m sad to leave this delightful world behind.

 

“We’re not the same as Margot and Sanderson or anybody else. We’re you and me.”

I really, really love that quote. It's probably one of my favourites in the series. It reminds me of my absolute favourite quote, which I'm hoping to keep to myself for now... But this quote right here, it shows that this is Lara Jean's and Peter's love story, and their love story is unique, just like how yours (and your partner's) is unique. Don't compare yours to others, because yours is beautiful as it is. It's really how you deal with the Universe's obstacles that determine your fate. Of course, in my opinion, while destiny still plays a part, it is still in your hands to grab the opportunities.

PS: “The Middle of Starting Over” by Sabrina Carpenter is the perfect soundtrack for this series. The lyrics Tired of all the troubles they’ve been wasting my time I don’t wanna fight gonna leave it all behind… and the upbeat tone really captures Lara Jeans’ personality. 

Always and forever,

Justine

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before

PS: I Still Love You